So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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