Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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