I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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