Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
