life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
