im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
