I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
