The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
