; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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