i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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