I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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