No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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