sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
