Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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