you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
