im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
