tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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