I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
