Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
