Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
