You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
