I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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