U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
