You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
