Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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