it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize