I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
