I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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