i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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