he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
