Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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