theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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