I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
