just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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