Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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