My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
