: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
