i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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