a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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