I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
