please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
