East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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