By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
