Where is the hickey?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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