i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
