Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
