were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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