Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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