if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
