I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
