im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
