Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
that is very illegal...i love you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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