We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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