I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
