Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
