I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so let's talk penis.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
