she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
