he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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