i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
