i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am midnight drunk by noon
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
