ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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